One of the things I miss most about my youth is the music scene. I had quite a few friends who were musicians and we used to go see their bands play all the time. And then of course there were all the fun concerts to go to. I really enjoyed the local music scene. I met my friend Rich when I was 20 and I just started at this telemarketing job for a timeshare company. Rich had been there awhile and after some time we became friends and hung out a lot. Then my friends and I would go see his band play local venues. He was a good friend in many ways and was one of the few friends that I looked up to. I think he was maybe 28 or so at the time and we would talk about our issues and what not.

He got me hooked into the poetry circuit for a couple years. This consisted of hanging out at several local coffee houses on their open mic nights, drinking coffee or in my case iced tea or hot chocolate, and talking to all the regulars who also followed the circuit. It was a lot of fun, other than the usual pretentious folks. But even they were enjoyable to watch as I could respect someone for being creative and expressing it. Though at times much of it was just a cry for attention. Of course, what isn't?

I miss him and wonder what ever became of him. He was a really great guy, who also had some problems. But I look back on so many friendships that I valued then and value now, but I didn't continue to nourish or cultivate. I suppose that is just the way life is. Nothing is permanent and the best we can do is enjoy and appreciate what we have, while we have it.

Father's Day is this weekend and I have already bought a present. Tonight when I was at the store buying groceries, I looked for a Father's Day card, something that I always have trouble with. Take a look at most of the cards and they are either all corny or overflowing with sentiment. My dad doesn't golf or fish, so all of those cutesy cards just never interested me. And looking at the pictures of these blonde or brown haired dads with their kids on the cards never felt real to me. Even when I was a boy, I saw very few people that looked like my father and looking through these cards each year always feels odd because of it. And then of course there are just my own emotional issues to deal with.

We had a very up and down rollercoaster sort of relationship for most of my life. It's like the first 7 years of my life and the most recent 7 years are the ones where we get along great. Its the middle 18 years or so that were confusing. Sometimes I just don't know what to make of it. I wonder what I will do when I get my chance at fatherhood. And I know that I learned so much from my father, good and bad. I am very proud of him and love him a great deal because of what he has given me, both intentionally and unintentionally. As I grow older I fear I will miss out on the chance to impart my father's teachings to future generations. Aside from the basic biological need to procreate and continue the forward progress of my genetic history, there are other, more spiritual, intellectual and emotional things that I want to pass on. And many of these are things I learned from my parents. Many are things they meant to pass on, others are things I learned from observing and making my own decisions based on those observations. Parent-child relationships are so complicated, that I won't even continue going into this.

But all I can ever think of on Father's day is that I hope I can make my children as proud as I am of my father. Because of who he is and who he helped me to become I love and appreciate all he has done for me.