The other day I was out having dinner with my good buddy and as we ate I listened to the song that was playing,it was "Missing" by Everything But the Girl. I was overcome by a sense of sadness and longing. Back in the day when I was about 22 and was just in the beginning stages of dating my future ex, I would leave work late at night and drive to her place which was just around the corner. I would walk down this little sidewalk past her window and see the warm glow of candle lights and I could hear "Missing" or some other such song.

The funny thing is that my phantom memory was not longing or missing her in anyway. But rather that fresh feeling of being in love. Of having passion in my life and expressing it. Lately I have become more convinced that is one of the reasons why I just seem to exist rather than live. It's like a numbness, I don't seem to feel much pain or joy. Frankly it scares me and makes me happy. It's nice to just "be" and not have to have drama in my life. But it also saps me of my sense of purpose if I can't really enjoy life.

Obviously having a girlfriend would help, but I don't know that I want that either. I really do like my freedom and the ability to do as I please. It is so easy to get wrapped up into someone else's life and have their agenda take over your agenda. I also feel like I am on the brink of something great happening. As the year draws to a close I feel more and more as though I am closer to exiting this neutral wilderness and finding my path again.

I went to the Orange County Fair last night and saw Chris Isaak in concert. The man is such a great performer, he always puts on a great show. I saw him perform at the Fresno Fair when I was living there, and I was really impressed. It is funny how different some fairs can be. As Orange County continues to urbanize and lose the last vestiges of agriculture the fair loses it's flavor. When we were kids we used to always go to the LA County Fair in Pomona. Why would we go there when the Orange County Fair is so much closer? Because the Fairplex in Pomona has horse racing and the Orange County Fairgrounds don't. Of course it is only a matter of time before the LA Fair loses its agricultural flavor too. More and more farmland, dairy land and ranches are being sold to build more monopoly houses and Walmarts.

I suppose this is progress and my resistance to change. I have these same conversations with my friends who disagree with me and think that such things are positive. I certainly can see how people would think that with the bursting population and the need for growth. But I think that people lose sight of the fact that as the population grows, so does our need for food and as a result, our need for agriculture. The idea that we should depend solely on the Midwest for our food is as crazy as it is irresponsible. The more dependent that communities become on other communities, especially those farther away, the more vulnerable a community becomes to actions they have no control over. The concern for immediate gain ignores the need for long term planning with regard to how these changes will affect the future.

More crazy talk I guess, but I feel the same way about the closing of so many military bases and the dismantling of our defense industry. I could go on and on, but I won't, at least for now.