The other day I was out having dinner with my good buddy and as we ate I listened to the song that was playing,it was "Missing" by Everything But the Girl. I was overcome by a sense of sadness and longing. Back in the day when I was about 22 and was just in the beginning stages of dating my future ex, I would leave work late at night and drive to her place which was just around the corner. I would walk down this little sidewalk past her window and see the warm glow of candle lights and I could hear "Missing" or some other such song.

The funny thing is that my phantom memory was not longing or missing her in anyway. But rather that fresh feeling of being in love. Of having passion in my life and expressing it. Lately I have become more convinced that is one of the reasons why I just seem to exist rather than live. It's like a numbness, I don't seem to feel much pain or joy. Frankly it scares me and makes me happy. It's nice to just "be" and not have to have drama in my life. But it also saps me of my sense of purpose if I can't really enjoy life.

Obviously having a girlfriend would help, but I don't know that I want that either. I really do like my freedom and the ability to do as I please. It is so easy to get wrapped up into someone else's life and have their agenda take over your agenda. I also feel like I am on the brink of something great happening. As the year draws to a close I feel more and more as though I am closer to exiting this neutral wilderness and finding my path again.