Sometimes there is so much to say but you just don't know how to express it all. Or should you even express all of it? What will I think of this time, this moment when I am 40. Or 50. Will I be satisfied with the way that I have spent this time, or will I wish i had cherished this time more?
You know in the movie Back to the Future when Michael J. Fox looks at the picture of his brother and sister and they fade, well I get that feeling sometimes. The only difference is my feeling is in reverse, that is my vision is of what the future holds(held) for me. And I see things fading from that.
Yet I know too much about self-fulfilling prophecies. We tend to create our own worlds based on the conceptions we have, and this limits us. Sometimes we think this is all we deserve, or all we are capable of. And so we let things slip through our grasp. While there are just somethings we have no control over, there are so many more things we control than we give ourselves credit for.
So when I feel this way, i just ask myself WWYS?
And I feel renewed in my drive to realize the goals at hand.
To a greater degree than we would admit, we create our own future and choose our own path. And where ever that may end, I know I will enjoy it along the way.
Except for work though, cuz work sucks donkeyballs.

Work has been such a headache lately. It's really taking a toll on me. And for what? No extra money, no praise, not even a sense of purpose. I just went out to dinner with my buddy from work who is our MIS Director and it was such a relief to just relax, have a beer and hang out with a friend. It was cool too that he gave me a compliment about how he views me as one of the few people on or near his level and appreciates how observant I am. Which is nice to hear, and the feeling is actually mutual. He is one of the few people there that I consider to be on my level. So many people we are surrounded by just have no clue. I think that is one of the most frustrating aspects. I have a lot of patience for young people who have no clue, but once you reach a certain age, you should have a general idea of things. Ah, we all have our strengths and weaknesses, that much I am very well aware of. But let's put the polite bullshit away, some people are just fucking stupid. It's that simple. And I don't mean the ones who went to a crappy school, or whose parents never stressed education, or even some people I know who have a level of intelligence but have a learning disability, or those who pretend to be ignorant and rely on being cute. NO I am not talking about those people, I know who they are and have an idea of their level of intelligence. NO, I am speaking of the people that are fucking stupid. You know them. Admit it.
I am not advocating their wholesale slaughter or anything like that. Nor would I advise pointing at them and mocking them as they reverse a mailing label and a return address label on a package, so that 3 days later the mailman delivers the package back to them and they wonder in bewilderment how come the intended recipient sent it back. Not realizing that they just mailed the package to themself. NO I wouldn't think it nice to mock them for that.
That kind of ridicule is best left for after work or even on a blog.

Anyway, it was nice to relax after work with someone who I consider to be a good guy and is becoming a good friend. If I can come away from this job with one or two good friends, then it makes a lot of the bullshit worth it. And they help pass the time while we stare in wonder at the marvels of those around us and try to figure out who is really sane, them or us.

It's finally happening. Age is taking it's toll on me, at 31 my lush, full head of hair is beginning to thin, yet for some reason the hairs haven't left, they just relocated to my ears. What is that about? I don't think that is fair at all. I always figured I would have at least until 40 to enjoy my hair and health. I have reintroduced working out to my life and it feels good. But what is the point if I am healthy and in shape but have no hair, or rather hair in the wrong places?
Sure there are more important things to worry about in this world. But this whole aging process really sucks. When the hell is someone going to tell my DNA to keep doing exactly what it was doing when I was 22? Is that so tough? It's in there somewhere, some instruction or process that degrades the renewal process. Of course we would have some major population problems, which would of course lead to even more environmental problems. But damn it sure would be nice to be eternally young. I think it would be great.
Although I don't know if I would be able to ever get the senior discount at Denny's then.

Is it too much to ask that when I arrive home from a workday like today that I am greeted at the door by a beautiful woman wearing jeans and a tank top holding a large pepperoni pizza in one hand and a six-pack of beer in the other? I think I deserve that much. Maybe after we eat we watch some tv before she gives me a massage and tells me about her day.
I am almost tempted to at least go out and get the pizza and beer so I can relax, but that would be what Oprah or Dr. Phil would call "emotional eating." Plus more importantly too much beer and pizza would prevent me from meeting that beautiful woman. It's best to snag them when you are in shape and then let yourself go once they are trapped in a loveless marriage.
So I will skip the beer and pizza today and instead go work out and then read or watch some South Park.

I saw Troy today and I was very much impressed. It's a good movie with some amazing action scenes. The fight scene with Hector and Achilles was amazing. I have seen bloodier fights, and fights with more intricate, albeit unrealistic moves, but this one looked so fluid and realistic. I liked the horse they used for the movie, it was a nice touch that they used parts from their ships to build it. Sure they made some adjustments to the Iliad to make it more cinematic. A 10 year siege would have bored most people to tears. But I think they could have at least stretched the events to a longer time period, at least 6 months. Just to assemble 1000 ships and all those troops, plus supplies (war movies tend to forget to show supply lines) would have taken at least a few weeks. And I would have stuck with Paris getting killed and Helen being captured and returned to the Greeks. They really skipped some of the feeling of the complete and total destruction of Troy and it's people.
But for a Hollywood version of the epic poem, it came off pretty well. It would have included too many characters to stay true to the story, and it would have made the Lord of the Rings look like a short subject.

On May 1st I posted my thoughts on some of the initial reports of the Iraqi Prisoner abuse story. At that time pictures had not been released and there were faint stories of what sounded like harassment and some roughing up of Iraqi citizens by American military personnel. I don't think at this point it is necessary for me to link to any of the many stories you can find online about this new scandal. My first feelings two weeks ago have only intensified. I feel at a loss to understand how anyone can think that violating the rights of an occupied people will make things easier for the military stationed there or for the larger goal of building stability. I have no illusions about what humans are capable of or of what this country can allow or condone in our history. But how do we show we are different from the dictator we replaced if we use the same methods he did to control the population? When do we begin to practice what we preach, when do the so called Christians who are worried about the FCC and our culture, when do they show their disgust for such abuses?
If anyone should resign from the Bush administration, it should be Colin Powell. As the senior diplomat and as a former military man, he should be outraged at what has been allowed to happen. And allowed is the key word. It wasn't just a few "bad apples", it was allowed, condoned, encouraged and more than likely ordered all the way from the President. Yah I said it. He allows Ashcroft and Rumsfeld to detain prisoners from Afghanistan for over 2 years with no due process. Shit if we are going to execute them, even in a kangaroo court, lets do it and at least keep up some kind of appearance of due process. Show some concern of your image.
In politics and diplomacy, image is important. Substance is too. But image makes a big difference. Sprite couldn't be more wrong.
The current image of the US is not good and that affects us and will affect us for a long time to come.

The following is a random thought that occurred to me just now:

my problem is i always try to untie the knot rather than cut it or skip it

i sit there trying to figure it out, following each lead, each string all just to untie it, coaxing and squeezing the knot

I think it was 1991 and we were just out of high school. I used to always go see local bands play and hung out with friends who had bands and therefore was into the local scene. One night we went to see some bands play, I don't even remember who. Thinking back I can remember helping a friend work on his car that day and hoping we'd finish up so I could meet up with my other friends and go see the bands. Then we saw one of his neighbors, a girl from my class and I was talking to her and she suggested we go out. But once we were done with his car, and went by her house I think she had left for somewhere else. She was always cool, sorta cute in that geeky way, smart and probably would have made a good girlfriend. Anyway, so because my friend was taking too long I missed that chance, but I knew of a few hotties from school who would be at the show. So I dragged him there, it was some place in Costa Mesa, I don't remember exactly where, but I do remember that they had a huge section of Newport Blvd closed as they were building Triangle Square.
So we arrived and saw some bands, and I bumped into this other girl from one of my other classes. Very cute, one of those hippie chicks, into things just for the sake of being different. But again, very cute. So I asked her out and gave her my number on a business card for some Taco place, which I had because they had damn good food. We went out once and it wasn't there for her or me either. She was too out of it and into hippie crap for me. For some reason though whenever I hear The Catherine Wheel's "Black Metallic" I think of that night I asked her out amidst the crowd and music.

Life never turns out how you expect it to.

As funny as the show was, and as much as I always rooted for Ross, that last episode of Friends just felt more rushed and hurried than it should have. Oh and it does suck that real life just isn't like that. In real life, tracking your ex-girlfriend/wife/baby's mother to the airport would lead to a restraining order and a listing on the local police's stalker list. Plus Joey had it right, move on.

For lunch we went to the South Coast Plaza and I was thinking back to how different that mall was when I was a kid. It really has become a symbol for the affluence of Orange County. I remember when there weren't that many "upscale" stores there. It was like any other mall with just mom and pop shops and the usual chain stores. Plus they had more food places. The world is ever changing.

Oh and I received yet another picture of George and Laura Bush along with their plea for money and a bunch of propaganda about the Democrat Party. Quite funny stuff actually. Reading it, I can see how easy it would be for some NASCAR dad to get pissed at Kerry and stick with Bush.

Good times.

Hot. Very Hot. No not the weather again, it is cooling a bit. I am talking about Gina Gershon. I remember noticing her in Red Heat a long time ago and damn she just gets hotter with time. I didn't know until about a week ago that we got the Independent Film Channel, and when I got home from work today I happened to notice that Rocked with Gina Gershon was on. It follows her music/publicity tour for the movie Prey for Rock & Roll, which is going for a whole L7 Grrrl Rock thing. It's a short series done in a documentary journal style. So we get to follow her around the country as she plugs the movie and plays music at shows to again promote the movie as well as just have fun. She is a cross between Joan Jett and Janine Lindemulder and at 42 she is as hot as ever. Be sure to watch it if you have the channel and keep some ice water nearby in case it gets too hot.

Hot. Very Hot. Dry Heat. Some wind, not a hot wind like Santa Ana Winds, but not a cool breeze that would make a difference. It was like this last weekend, then in the middle of the week it cooled down for a few days, now it is back again and expected to last at least up to the middle of the week. How am I to get anything accomplished when its this hot? I am sweating like a monkey in a whorehouse. I have lived through weather that is hotter than this, but I expected such heat in Fresno. I went shopping today for a Mother's Day gift, and I wish I had other places to go too. It was refreshing to walk around in nice air-conditioned stores. But my laundry was calling me. And nothing is more fun in this heat than to fold clothes fresh out of the dryer.

First thing when I got up today, I grabbed the newspaper to look through the sales items as usual, and I noticed an article in the LA TIMES regarding U.S. abuses against Iraqi prisoners. Then sure enough I see a similar article online. It just makes me sick to think that this is the kind of crap we allow to go on after we defeat a nation that was not poised to attack us. And even if they did attack us like the Taliban supported Al-Queda, it wouldn't justify America abusing the rights of prisoners of war. Whether you call them enemy combatants or rebels or terrorists or some thug from South Central LA who kills an old lady, we have a higher duty to the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, as well as international laws to behave in a more civilized manner than those we call the enemy. I am not saying don't kick down doors and politely knock if you think Osama is in the house, but once you have people in custody we owe it to ourselves to take the moral high ground and do the right thing. And in the same way that our soldiers are dying to protect us, their negative actions also represent us. When they put their lives on the line for America we owe them our respect. But when they cross a line, they must also be held accountable. And not just the individual soldiers but the ones who lead them and encourage behavior we know to be wrong. But how can we expect American soldiers to treat Iraqis humanely when we have dozens of cases of sexual assaults involving Americans assaulting their own comrades?
While reading this article, it also struck me as very sad how this Iraqi man views women :

"They were trying to humiliate us, break our pride. We are men. It’s OK if they beat me. Beatings don’t hurt us, it’s just a blow. But no one would want their manhood to be shattered,” he said.
“They wanted us to feel as though we were women, the way women feel and this is the worst insult, to feel like a woman,” al-Shweiri said.

I wonder if he will view women's rights in Iraq differently from now on?

While on the subject of justice and two wrongs don't make a right...is something that has bothered me for some time. The white male bashing. For the past decade or so it has been the style to use white men as the butt of jokes in ways that I find offensive. No, please allow me to whine further....Certainly the culture, economics and politics of America have favored white men of certain backgrounds. (as most people tend to forget the prejudices against German immigrants, Irish Catholics, as well as poor or landless white males) And while white men are certainly still in a position of power enough to be able to take a few jokes and barbs, I find that the slinging of such jokes and barbs is unjust. Or more appropriately it is the acceptance or lack of notice given such jokes/barbs that I find offensive. Being all for free speech, say what you will. But I find it sad that people don't see how such things if put on the other foot would be unacceptable.
This movie New York Minute has a tv preview with Eugene Levy and then these two black ladies who call him a cracker. And the use of this racial slur is supposed to draw laughs? Racial slurs of any kind are just wrong. Period. To accept the use of one is the accept the use of them all. How can it be right to make fun or disparage one race but not another? Even these people who walk around and call themselves or their "own people" names are not doing anyone any good. White trash is another term people like to throw around with ignorance of its implications. White trash begs two questions, One-these people aren't up to the high standards of being White? Two-Why do we not add trash to the proper names for other ethnic groups? The answer to the first one is, it's bullshit. The answer to the second one is, we already have disparaging names for just about every other ethnic group.
Obviously the slurs against most other groups have more power and meaning behind them and therefore we are more sensitive to them. But in all fairness shouldn't we move past using any terms that disparage people based on their ethnic background.
Can't we just stick to calling people non race based names, like fuckhead, shitface, asshole...etc?
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Addiction is a terrible thing. Right now I am in that addiction phase with this game. It is a lot of fun. I meant to write a little something about what a hot day it was Sunday, but the sudden warmth also caused the Jasmine to bloom everywhere. Monday when I walked out to my car to go to work I could smell it in the air and sure enough I saw the Jasmine had blossomed. I love Jasmine, we used to have a wall of our old house covered with it right before the front door and during summer nights it would just drift in through the windows. In my twisted ways and thoughts, Jasmine plays into one of my figures of speech about the loveliness of a woman. If I see a certain woman that strikes a certain chord in me, I think "I'd love to make love to her in a field of Jasmine." Which is not that good if you have ever seen Jasmine because while it does grow on vines, like grape vines the base is woody and is made of branches before the vines spread. And that would hurt. But that's really beside the point. The point is when I smell Jasmine, especially in cool night air, the scent just lifts me into a sense of euphoria that almost feels like heaven.

Ok, back to my game before I have to go to bed.

So this past Friday I was had dinner with my friend, his girlfriend, her sister and her sister's friend,who happens to work in the computer gaming industry with a friend of mine from high school. It's a small world. So this guy was telling me about this game, Call of Duty that he is playing that he enjoyed a lot and kept telling me I needed to run out and buy it. It is a First Person Shooter or FPS, set in World War II. There are several of these that popped out in the past year or two. Medal of Honor and Battlefield 1942 are the other two big name ones out. For awhile EA games was heavily advertising MOH all over the place. The games looked good, but I have never been a big fan of the FPS games. But I decided to give this one a try, so I downloaded the two free demos available at the Call of Duty website and played them like crazy on Sunday. It took me all of a few minutes to get the hang of it and from there I was having fun. So much fun that when it was over I was left wanting much more, so much more that I went to bed last night with visions from the game dancing in my head. Which is common if you play video games a lot. Especially if they are the kind that you have to force yourself to turn off just so you get a few hours of sleep or you forget to feed yourself. Also pretty common.
Anyway, I ran out today and bought it and am quite happy with my purchase. I will however try to limit myself to just an hour of gaming after working out.
If you want to have some fun try downloading and playing the demos, give it a few minutes of getting killed to get used to it. You will have fun. I know I will.

I saw "Man on Fire" today. It was pretty good. Some of the plot elements were very unoriginal but you can't argue with the acting abilities of the cast. Well except for Marc Anthony. Essentially the movie is about the girl who opens the heart of a wounded and tormented silent tough guy. Then of course she is kidnapped and he vows revenge and in the end the usual story of redemption. Perosnally I could have done without the redemption aspect. That is why I always liked the Punisher's character, nothing but unmitigated revenge. No retirement on a beach somewhere, no dying to save the life of a kitty cat. Just relentless killing until he dies. A man with no hope, nothing to live for but the revenge. Which is one of the reasons why I still haven't been able to bring myself to watch The Punisher movie. Maybe tomorrow. Who knows.
Why the hell is popcorn so freeking expensive. The small popcorn is $4.50. The jumbo size is $6.00. Small drink is $3.75 and the largest drink is $4.25. How silly is this going to get? A small popcorn and a small drink would cost you $8.25. That is crazy insane. The absolute most they should charge for that should be $5.00. Obviously that is insanely high too. But it's not as bad. 5 bucks for a small popcorn/drink combo. I don't know how they can sell these things to us with a straight face.

Ok, so much for not drinking for awhile. The other day at work I saw this ad in the O.C. Weekly for Fitzgerald's Pub in H.B. Bridget the Midget was playing with some punk band. So being the good friend that I am, I faxed the information to my good friend who has a very strong fetish for midgets. So I met him and some of the employees he supervises at work, at this bar. Luckily for me it is just down the street from me. It was fun, some of the bands were pretty decent. Just some weird interpersonal dynamics going on that I just didn't want to be a part of. Though I am a part of it. They were going to head out to Lake Forest to see some band that this one chick likes, the girl from the other night I work with. Very weird vibe. Needless to say I decided I didn't want to make the drive down there as much as I would like to have hung out with my friend. Plus again the weirdness. Isn't high school over? WTF.
I am completely starving. Running around today I kept putting a meal off, only ended up having some carrots as a snack after the movie since I skipped spending a fortune on the popcorn. Some water and light t.v. before bed and I will sleep like a baby.

Ah another evening of fun has come to an end. And an early end too. Which is good because I need to get some sleep and rest. Thursday instead of going straight home from work and working out like I have been, I decided to join two close friends from work and a newer female friend from work. Of course I am interested in this person, curious to be more precise. So it was a good oportunity to get to know her better. The 4 of us went to a dive bar/pool hall near work and proceeded to drink about 4 or 5 rounds of drinks. Then one of my friends went home with his girlfriend who picked him up. So now my buddy Ed decides its about 7 and time to eat. So we agree to head over to this great Japanese place near my house that he and I have been to before. Memories of that first time led me to believe this would be a good chance for us to head to my place afterward. And by us I mean myself and this girl from work. That's the insidious plan I had anyway.
So we eat and drink, lots of Sake. Then as we are about to finish up and leave, though we don't know where. Our friend is on her cell phone and has some little twerp friend of hers show up. Totally ruined the evening for me and Ed. But being the gracious folks we are we then head out to another little bar not far from where this adventure began. This is where things get weird as the four of us talk and Ed and I are trying to determine what her relationship is to this guy. My interest is obvious, Ed's is twofold, on one hand he is backing me up but aside from that, we began this adventure without this twerp. And Ed doesn't like add-ons. I have seen it before, and even if it's just another friend, if they show up 10 min late, that's ok. But to walk into the party/adventure in the middle or near the end is just a no-no. Which I totally understand. It ruins the dynamic that was set forth in the beginning.
Anyhoo. Ed and I decide it's time to end this as the twerp is a complete buzz-kill and it's obvious I am getting nowhere with him around.
We all drank pretty much the same, and I was not feeling 100% this morning after only 4 hours of sleep. I debated whethere to stay home or not, but I take pride in not allowing my fun to interfere with going to work. When I get to work however, I learn that didn't stop the other two from staying home to nurse their hangovers.

Tonight could have turned into another night of drinking but I wanted to go home and work out since I didn't on Thursday. But Alex and his girlfriend were going to get a drink at Havana in Costa Mesa with her sister. As soon as sangria was mentioned I was there. Though I only had one glass of it as I intended to head home before 6 and work out.
Then it turns into lets go eat. Here we go again. This time we head to a Japanese-Korean place nearby. You pick the meats you want then grill them at your table. I tried to back out as I dont like to cook my own meat or see it raw. Yah I am weird. Sue me. But his girlfriend invited me as did her sister. How can I say no? So it was a good meal. Her sister kept grilling the food for us and it was damn good. I skipped drinking though, no more Sake for me tonight.
I am going to get a good night's sleep and will have to work out this weekend to make up for missing two days this week. Plus to make up for all the alcohol and great food too.
It is worth it though to hang out with really good people and have fun like that. Sometimes I forget it's ok to socialize and relax. I try to maintain some rigid schedule and while it helps me to stay on task with certain goals I have, it shouldn't stop me from living life.

The Reality of War is here, whatever your politics or points of view on this or any war there are always those who will pay the ultimate price. No one can look at this and tell if what their politics were, their religions, their gender, ethnicity, or any other number of factors used to categorize and marginalize people. All one can say is they are Americans.
In 8th grade we had the opportunity to go to Washington D.C., Philadelphia, Gettysburg, and Mt. Vernon. I saved my money so I could go and was very excited about it. On our trip a few students would be chosen to walk with the honor guard at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier and lay a wreath. To determine who would be chosen we wrote essays. I don't remember what the subject was if any was specifically given. I do remember what I wrote about. I was honored to be selected and when we arrived at Arlington National Cemetary I was struck by a very solemn feeling, I would feel this again at Gettysburg and the Vietnam Memorial among other places of remembrance/death. It just strikes a chord deep within me when I see images like that or can feel the weight of such a place. Hearing the national anthem sung, staring at the flag I can feel the enormity of what it means to be an American and how lucky I am. And I feel great respect for those who give their lives for this country and I wish for no more coffins draped with the American flag.

What, if anything, does it all mean? I wonder that far too often for my own good. I can't fully subscribe to the idea that there is some outside cosmic meaning, but I also can't accept some nihilistic lifestyle and live like there is no tomorrow, polluting my body and brain or doing damage to others. It worries me sometimes that I don't have some concrete clique I can cling to that will keep me warm at night and allow me to march forth over anyone in my way. But I also can't fully wrap myself in the defenseless martyrdom and helpless acceptance of all that around me. Always torn between yin and yang. Born in January with Janus forever part of my life. And somewhere in between is the balance I strive to achieve.
We make our own meanings in life is about the only thing I can come up with. Some of us search out meanings in other things, sex, drugs, religion, work, violence, pain, denial, etc. Some of us are just given a definition early on and we can't get past it or just don't see more beyond that.
Humans are a marvelous and a terrible thing at once. So much potential for creation and destruction. Our actions can wipe out untold numbers of species. We can build grand monuments, change the course of rivers, bring down mountians, cure diseases, make sacrifices for ideals, lie, cheat, steal, love, hate, think, hell we can even leave this planet and visit our moon. So much promise. So much pain.
I am always curious to see what happens next. What a wonder it all is. Turbulent and tranquil. It's all the reality tv I ever need.

I couldn't decide whether or not to go see The Punisher this weekend. I know I will end up seeing it if only because I saw the first one years back with Dolph Lundgren and I loved the comic books. But the movie looks like they just didn't get it right. And from what I have heard from critics, that's the consensus. I never expect too much when seeing a comic book translated to the big screen. Anyone ever seen David Hasselhoff as Nick Fury? It's out there. In the late 70's they even did a Captain America on TV about the same time that the Incredible Hulk was on CBS and Spiderman had a few TV specials, and then in about 1991 they tried to do justice to Captain America and made another one, this time starring the son of reclusive author J.D. Salinger. That movie lacked something also. There is a lot of love for these characters, so much so that someone sees how crappy one version is and says, hey I can do it better, or I can make more money on it. But they fall short. The success of Spiderman and semi-success of Daredevil and X-Men have really jump started this whole thing. But to the detriment of some great characters that will just be given a green-light by studios just to cheaply churn out some crap.
I just hope this wakes up the folks at Marvel and they think it through before they decide to sell their next character.

Not being religious it seems odd sometimes to "celebrate" holy-days. I have never avoided them like some non-religious people I know. They recite speeches about hypocrisy and such. I think I have always just liked them because as a kid they were backed up by gifts and food. But now as an adult I appreciate them for a time to be with family. And looking back I see that was true even then. This Easter was no exception. I look forward to spending time with family. I am lucky to have grown up with a good family that has always shown a healthy amount of love and kindness. No matter who you are they make you feel welcome and loved. Of course we all have our faults as individuals and even as groups. But when I see how my family has always treated in-laws or potential in-laws I know that is exceptional.
So I had fun this weekend with my family. Though I tend to either talk too much or else just silently absorb it all. But that has been my see-saw for a long time now. And I am aware of it too. Sometimes as others talk and exchange stories or ideas, I realize that I haven't spoken for some time and could appear sullen. I just think too much sometimes and get lost in thought.
One of those thoughts is about starting my own family. I see my cousin and her son and I know I should already have a couple kids. I don't know if I can wait the 4-6 weeks for my Russian Bride to arrive. I should have paid the additional postage.